Dicktation
by Sivol
Summary: Tommy has some strange reactions to Harry and realized why he never hit it off with August. Dick, however, doesn't approve. AU from season 2, Harry/Tommy Slash.


Harry and Tommy found themselves left alone, yet again, in their attic home while Dick was off infiltrating the university's bowling club, and Sally was at a local shooting range, brushing up on her aim.

"Harry!" Tommy called, walking into the living room portion.

"Yeah?" Harry asked, looking up towards the older being in the younger body.

"I need you to transmit a status report to the Big Giant Head." He said, giving one last glance over several papers.

Harry nodded and adjusted his seating, getting himself comfortable. He raised his hands into the air and waited for a few seconds. "Thank you for dialing the Big Giant Head. If you are filing a complaint, please say, 'one'. If you are requesting permission to start a mission, please say, 'two'. If you are requesting permission to abandon a mission, please say, 'three'. If you are filing a status report on an existing mission, please say, 'four'. If you are-"

"Four." Tommy interrupted.

"Thank you. Please state your report after the tone. You have three glacks. Beeeeeeep."

Tommy rattled off his status report at a very fast pace to try and get it all in. He didn't like the new system that the Big Giant Head had, after all one glack was only a minute and twenty-seven seconds Earth time. "-and the Harry unit is functioning adequately. Also, we could use more time, preferably 3 more Earth years. Oh, and-"

"Beeeeeeep. Thank you for dialing the Big Giant head. Have a good day. Resume normal functions in three… two… one." Harry shook a little and his knees locked. "I have to use the bathroom…" He said, running off to the other room.

Tommy shook his head and smirked, taking a seat in the hideously patterned floral chair. When Harry came back, he took a seat in the chair to Tommy's right. "Sally said something today that I didn't understand." He said, by way of starting a conversation.

"Well that's not surprising." Tommy muttered. When Harry gave him a confused look, he elaborated. "She says something you don't understand at least once a day."

"Yeah." Harry agreed, sitting there with his hands clasped between his knees.

Everything was silent for a good three minutes, until the curiosity finally got to Tommy. "Well, what'd she say?"

"What'd who say?"

"Sally!" Tommy rolled his eyes. "What did she say today that confused you?"

"Ohhhh." Harry nodded in recognition. "She said, 'I dare you'." He deepened his voice, mimicking Sally's in comparison to his own.

Tommy looked at the man expectantly. "And? What'd she dare you to do?"

"I don't know." Harry admitted. "That was all she said, then she left."

"Well, were you talking about something before she said that?" Gah, this was annoying having to spell everything out for Harry. Granted, the man wasn't brightest bulb in the crayon box - or however that metaphor went - but he was still Harry, and Tommy was willing to put up with his naivety.

"Yeah, we were talking about making supper, and she was complaining about always making supper because she was the woman, and I said I could be a woman. Then out of the blue, she said she dared me." He shrugged, showing he had no idea what the lieutenant had been talking about.

Tommy shook his head again. "When someone dares you to do something, it means they want to see you do it, like at school this one boy dared another boy to show up to graduation naked under his robes."

"Oh.. Did he?" Harry asked.

"Yeah, because that's what a dare is. It's like a sacred ritual to these humans, if you dare someone to do something, they have to do it. Like the other day, August and I were sitting outside for lunch. You know what she said?"

Harry blinked for a moment, then tilted his head a bit. "What?"

"I dare you to kiss me, here and now." Tommy repeated.

"Oh, well uh… okay." Harry said, then reached out his hands and grabbed Tommy's face, pulling him in for a kiss.

Tommy protested at first, the line 'I was just saying what she said!' screaming in his mind, but for some reason he found that his body rather liked this sensation. It rather liked it a lot. Well, this was new. He had known that some members of the human species were attracted to the same sex, but he had never expected he was one of them.

Instead of pulling away, he started kissing Harry back. Tommy's hands flew around Harry's neck and he followed that animal instinct to press his own body against the taller man's. When they broke for air, Tommy was the first to speak. He swallowed thickly as his eyes flicked back and forth between Harry's. "I liked that… better than I like making out with August."

"Wel-uh, I wouldn't know, I've never made out with August." Harry said. "But I liked it too."

The two stared at one another trying to sort out their feelings out when Dick came home and flopped into the light blue chair looking positively forlorn. "Move out of the way would you, I want to watch the snow channel and unwind."

Tommy cleared his throat and moved in Dick's way a bit closer. "Permission to speak Commander."

Dick furrowed his brow, but nodded. "Permission granted."

"I think I should break up with August." Tommy said bluntly.

"What, why?" Dick asked. "Has she shown interest in mating with another human?"

"No sir."

"Has she not shown interest in mating with you?"

"No sir."

"Well what is it?"

"I am not attracted to females." Tommy admitted. "I've had an experience with another male, and I find that I get many more hormonal reactions from them."

Dick's features changed from worried to happy. "That's great!" He said, getting up and hugging the 17 year old body. "We can have a homosexual in the family! We'll be just like all of those sitcoms on television!" He released his false son and grinned.

"What sitcoms?" Harry asked.

"Well all of them!" Dick replied. "You've got the main character who's gorgeous and intelligent, that would be me of course, then the love interest, that'd be Mary… Let's see, there's the character who acts a lot more like the other sex, that is Sally all over, and there's the one who's either crazy or stupid, Harry fits that bill… then there's the homosexual!" He looked to Tommy. "You can now be the homosexual!"

Harry tilted his head a bit. "Wait, do you think I act crazy?"

Dick stared at him for a few seconds then sighed and nodded. "Yes Harry, that's exactly it."

Harry grabbed on to the edge of his coat and stood a little straighter. "I'm the crazy one." He said with a smile.

Tommy smiled a bit as well and looked downward. It wasn't that he thought it was funny, he was just glad that Harry didn't have his feelings hurt. His smile turned into a frown. Why was he worried about Harry's feelings all of a sudden? It wasn't like he was before, hell he had been the one making similar comments about Harry on their last mission when he was in the Sliikor role on the planet Feriizon.

Sally came stomping up the stairs and threw her jacket into the floor, then flopped down in the chair to the side, letting her legs hang off of its arm. Dick looked slightly startled. "What's wrong?"

"I got kicked out of the shooting range." She said irritably. "They should really change that phrase, I mean, 'shooting range' implies that it's a range where I'm allowed to shoot people."

"What else could it mean?" Dick asked curiously.

"Apparently you're only supposed to shoot paper."

"Well that's preposterous!"

"I know!" Sally vented, raising her hands into the air as if to say 'what's with these people'.

"Hmph." Dick said, shaking his head. "They'll be receiving a very carefully worded review in the classifieds this week then. In other business," Dick wrapped his arm around Tommy and pulled him closer. "-he's now a homosexual."

Sally smiled. "That's great! Now I can have someone to go to the mall with and watch cute guys with their cute butts walk by."

Tommy raised an eyebrow. "Uh, actually, I kinda already have my mate in mind. I'm not looking."

"Oh, who?" Dick asked.

Tommy put his hands behind his back and bit his bottom lip softly, then nodded his head towards Harry, who waved at them awkwardly. "Hi."

Dick's posture straightened and he held his head up a bit higher. "Absolutely not!" He stated fiercely.

"What? Why not?" Tommy protested. "If it's the age thing, yeah sure I'm older than he is, but I like him, and that never stopped the Big Giant Head from taking anyone he chose."

"You're not the Big Giant Head, and what if you're mating and he calls in, it could be, 'Oh Harry yes' one minute, then all of a sudden, the Big Giant Head's voice comes out of his mouth and asks what you're doing!"

"Oh come on Dick, it's not like the Big Giant Head even knows what Earth copulation is like, and-"

"And another thing! He's your uncle." Dick stepped back and lifted his arm to his chest. "It's wrong!"

"That doesn't even matter, even _with _these fake ideas!" Tommy shouted. "His profile says he was adopted and we just haven't told him yet, so he's not related by blood! Not to mention, in this unit, he is _not _my uncle! It's a guise, a ruse, all fake!"

Harry frowned. "Does that mean the emotions are fake too?"

"What? No." Tommy said. "The emotions, feelings, urges, needs, they're real. As long as we're in these human forms they're real."

Harry stepped back a little and his fingers fiddled with one another. "Then what happens when we leave and go back out there." He looked upward. "Will they still be real then?"

"I- they- we-…." Tommy sighed. "I don't know. We have similar emotions in our natural forms, they're just… extremely muted then… I suppose they'll still be real, but less prominent." Harry nodded and went back to looking at his fingers, they really were fascinating when the family unit was arguing.

Dick stamped his foot on the ground. "We agreed that there would be no copulation between any of us together on this mission. That's why Sally is posing as my sister and not my leggy younger wife who loves me for my money!"

"No, you and Sally agreed to that." Tommy said, poking a finger in the man's chest. "Me and Harry never said anything like that."

"It was implied!" Dick tried.

"Not really." Harry said meekly. "I mean, the conversation was just between you two."

Dick and Tommy began yelling over each other until Sally interrupted them. "Break it up you two." She ordered, holding them each an arm's length away. "High Commander, you said the last time that the Big Giant Head ordered a status report we needed a few more years to study the humans more. What is what Tommy is proposing if not studying human behavior, and this time it's up close and personal instead of through binoculars and telescopes." She argued on behalf of Tommy.

Dick squinted his eyes. "No." He said, and stormed out of the attic room.

Tommy flopped on to the chair. "I'm sorry Harry."

"It's alright." Harry replied, picking at the fur on his coat.

"No, it's not." Tommy said, rubbing his face. "I should have checked with the High Commander before I allowed this to go anywhere."

"Well, why you? I'm the older one." Harry said, receiving an odd look. "Er, in the eyes of the humans anyway."

"I'm older, and I outrank you." Tommy reminded him.

Sally smirked and rested her hands on her hips. "Hey. He didn't say 'No, that's an order'… it's still subjective."

Tommy's head raised and he grinned. Harry tilted his head some, not quite grasping the concept. Tommy got up and walked over to the other man, pushing him down in the chair they were standing in front of and straddled him, kissing him once more. "Oh." Harry said when they broke for air.

"Hey! Take it from someone who knows. No sex on the first date, it complicates things. At least wait until the third." Sally chided.

Tommy nodded and stood up, extending his arm. "To the movies?"

"Which one?" Harry asked, taking Tommy's arm in his own.

"I dunno, whichever one's not a chick flick. I'm sick of those." Tommy suggested.

"Who's driving?" Harry asked.

"Me, I just got my permit this week." Tommy said as the two went downstairs together.

Sally stood at the top, watching them go off and smiled to herself.

**(¯'·.HS/TS.·'¯)**

Tommy had invited August over to the attic home and they were currently writing in separate notebooks in the chairs in the sitting room portion. Harry came in and saw August, glanced between the two, and walked back into the kitchen.

August frowned. "What's his problem?"

Tommy looked back to see Harry retreating. "Oh, he uh, he knows why you're here."

August put down her notebook. "Why _am _I here? I mean, this isn't homework, we're not going on a date…" Her eyes widened. "Are you… are you trying to have sex with me?"

"What? No!" Tommy said, closing his notebook. "No no no, nothing like that. I don't want to have sex with you."

August closed her own book and put a fist to her hip. "Excuse me?"

"See! That's it!" Tommy said, extending his hand to accentuate the matter. "I can't win with you. If I say I don't want to have sex with you, it's a bad thing because you think I don't think you're pretty enough. If I say I do want to have sex with you, it's a bad thing because you think I'm a jerk like half of the rest of the male population on this planet. No matter what I say, you take it the wrong way. You're like a… a…"

"A feminist Nazi wrapped in plain peach paper ready to mail." Harry chimed in from the doorway.

"What the-" August started, but was cut off.

"No, just… August, we shouldn't see each other anymore." Tommy said, quickly moving his notebook in front of his face. "Please don't hit me."

Sally came up the stairs and looked at August's face and Tommy's posture. "Ahhh you finally told her you were gay." She said with a nod, then walked into the kitchen.

August tilted her head and her features softened. "You're gay?"

"Well I- we- I mean- you weren't supposed to-"

August cut him off with a crushing hug. "Oh that's wonderful! You were just saying those things then, it's not me, it's you!" She let him go and smiled at him. "You were trying to save me from thinking I'd turned you gay. Don't you know that I know being gay isn't a choice, that's it's how you were born? Oh you're so thoughtful." She hugged him again, cutting off his air supply and grabbed her backpack, traipsing off to the stairs.

"Well that was easy." Harry said, standing in the doorway, picking at his left thumb with his right one.

"A little too easy." Tommy said.

The sound of Dick's car alarm went off and they heard Dick yelling. "AUGUST YOU GET BACK HERE AND FIX THAT WINDSHIELD!… I DON'T CARE IF YOU MADE HIM GAY, YOU'RE PAYING FOR THAT WINDSHIELD!" Moments later, Dick came storming upstairs with Leon in tow, the younger of the two looking around nervously.

"I guess I know what'll be spread around the whole school by tomorrow." Tommy said, burying his hands into his head.

"Leon!" Dick snapped and pointed towards the spot in front of him, which Leon went to quickly, still unsure as to why he was here. "Tommy, what do you think?"

Tommy stood up and looked at Leon curiously. "In what respect?"

"How does he rank as a mate?" Dick asked, spinning his finger around, while Leon turned as well.

Tommy scrutinized the young man. "Well, he has a firm buttocks, his skin is neither oily nor dry, however his he has a very vacant look about him."

"I uh.. What?" Leon asked.

"And he's easily confused. His height is optimal, however he seems dull. An optimal mate for short term, nothing over 5 months." Tommy assessed. "Why? Who are we getting to mate with him?"

"Well you, of course." Dick said, pushing Leon forward.

Leon jolted back and looked wildly around. "I'm not gay!" He protested.

"Oh of course you are Leon, shut up." He turned to Tommy. "Good looking and stupid, just your type!"

"Hey!" Tommy shouted, going up to Dick. "Listen here you little punk, Harry is not stupid! Sure he's a little naïve, but he ain't stupid!"

"You listen here old man!" Dick said, returning the chest poke to the teenage chest. "You're going to kiss Leon and tell me if sparks fly!"

"I'm _really _not gay." Leon said, backing up against the railing.

"Shut up!" Tommy demanded.

Dick advanced on Tommy. "As your High Commander, I order you to kiss Leon!"

"As your elder, I order you to take back that order!" Tommy said, standing on his tip-toes.

"High Commander outranks elder!" Dick taunted, sticking his tongue out.

Tommy clenched his fists and marched over to Leon, grabbed his head and pulled him down for a kiss. He held it for about 3 seconds and let go, thought for 2 more seconds and shook his head. "No sparks!" He yelled to Dick.

"Okay, I might be a little bi." Leon said, grabbing hold of the railing to steady himself. "How old is-"

"SHUT UP!" Both Dick and Tommy shouted.

Both Tommy and Dick raged unintelligibly for a few seconds, then stormed off to their respective rooms, Tommy grabbing Harry along the way. When Tommy and Harry got to his room, he slammed the door and all but threw Harry up against it, pushing him into the wooden panels and into a rather forceful kiss. Harry's knees buckled for a moment and when Tommy let go, he nearly fell to the floor.

Sally came out of the kitchen looking at Leon, who was just standing there, confused and trying to make sense of things. "Hey." She said.

"Oh, hey Miss. Solomon." Leon said, looking down. "I haven't uh seen you since that… the snow thing."

"Yeah." She laughed a bit. "That sure was silly of me. Thinking we were the last people on earth and we had to repopulate it." She looked down herself, then back up. "So uh, you're bi?"

"No… Yes… I… I don't know I'm just very confused right now." Leon admitted.

Sally nodded and dug in her pocket, pulling out her wallet and handing the young man a $120. "Go to a bar, drink a little on it, and pick up a hooker." She suggested. "She'll sort you out."

"Isn't that like, objectifying women?" Leon asked with a frown.

"Pssssh, no." Sally said, waving her hand dismissively. "They get the money and all they have to do is get poked for a little while. It's not even real work, any woman could do it, hell any man could do it. It's easy money and puts them in control. Go, before Dick comes back and tries to make you kiss Tommy again." Leon nodded and ran off down the stairs.

**(¯'·.HS/TS.·'¯)**

Mrs. Dubcek was rattled by a very loud bang coming from her attic. Those strange tenants of hers must have been doing something weird… well, she'd been meaning to give them this little statue that her second husband had left there, a silly little angel. She shrugged and made her way upstairs, dropping the angel at the top of them. "What the hell are you doing to him?" She asked rather loudly, seeing Tommy laying on top of Harry behind the chairs and in front of the railing. "Tommy baby, did he hurt you?" She asked, taking his arm.

"Uhh, no Mrs. Dubcek." Tommy said. He cleared his throat. "I was kinda the one on top of him."

The woman looked back and forth between the two and stepped back. "You mean you… initiated it?" She asked, pointing to Tommy.

"Uhhhh-"

"My god Tommy that's disgusting! He's your UNCLE!" She said, horrified.

"Nono! He's not my uncle!" Tommy said, slightly delighted. "He's not related by blood. He was adopted."

Harry nodded for a second, then jolted. "Oh yeah, you just told me I'm adopted." He said, then rose his hands to his face. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" He screamed. "Who's my daddy?"

Tommy rolled his eyes and pulled Harry up. "You already knew." He said hastily. "I told you last week. _Remember_?"

Harry shook his head. "Not really, no. Last week you said that I was adopted but you hadn't told me yet."

"Yeah to DICK!" Tommy hissed. "Then I told _you_." He turned to the landlady. "See? Heh heh… nothing to worry about. No relation." He pulled her down the stairs. "Why don't you go check and see if you left the oven on, I smell gas."

"But my oven's electric." She said.

"Then check the hot water heater!" Tommy suggested fiercely, then slammed the door behind her. He trotted back up the stairs and nearly tripped on the angel, picked it up, frowned at it, and sat it on the small table, then looked to Harry. "Now, where were we?"

"Uhh, we were on the floor and you were on top of me doing crazy things with your tongue." Harry answered.

"Let us resume." Tommy suggested, very nearly pouncing on the man, sending them both hurdling to the chair first, then the floor again. Moments later, Dick ascended the stairs and his right hand flew to his chest. "Shit!" Tommy said, when he saw Dick's receding hairline from between the railing.

"What on Earth are you doing?" Dick demanded. "I thought I said no choosing Harry as your mate!"

Tommy stood up quickly and looked around, then pointed at the angel. "It's a human custom. Uhh, when you stand in front of an angel, you're supposed to kiss someone… while they're on the floor…"

Dick gave a weird look. "That's preposterous, Mary and I have been in front of plenty of angels and she's never done that." He gave a stern look to Tommy. "Why are you deliberately disobeying my orders?"

"I don't know!" Tommy said, throwing his hands into the air. He started pacing the room. "It's this body. I mean, I was attracted to Harry the first time I kissed him, but when you said 'no' to a relationship between us, he just… he became like 10 times more attractive!" He clenched his hands into his hair. "It's like… I feel the urge to just… to just… AUGH!" He grabbed Harry and kissed him again, wrapping his leg around the other male and pulling him in close, where he bucked his hips against him. When he let Harry go, he turned back to Dick. "To do that, but without any clothes!"

Dick's face softened. "Oooooooh." He walked up to Tommy and hugged him. "It really is copulation you want, not just some silly revenge thing. Well why didn't you say so, I'm sure Mary and I would love to give you some pointers!"

Tommy frowned and pulled away. "I thought you were mad."

"No, no, of course not!" Dick said, shaking his head. "I thought you were just using Harry as some experimental thing to get back at me for making you the teenager."

"I wouldn't do that! Not to someone in our unit. You think I'd really jeopardize this mission just to get back at you for something? No… I'd put blue hair dye in your shampoo or something." Tommy said.

"Aww… Then feel free to copulate with him as much as your little heart can stand." Dick said with a smile, just as Mary was coming up the stairs.

"What? Who's copulating with who?" She asked curiously.

"Oh, Tommy and Harry." Dick said, taking her hand. "Isn't it romantic?"

Mary's eyes widened. "Romantic? It's SICK! He's his uncle!"

"Harry's adopted." Dick and Tommy said together.

Mary threw her hands into the air and walked back down the stairs. "I swear, sometimes I think you people are from a different _planet_!"

Tommy wrapped his arm around Harry's waist and pulled him in. "By the way, Dick, don't use your shampoo tonight." He said.

"I'm adopted?" Harry asked, looking around. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" He held his hands to the ceiling. "Who's my daddy?"

Tommy smacked him upside the head and pulled him off to his room.


End file.
